#20 New chapter

How I deal with my break up? Did I cry? Did I fell into depression? Did I felt suicidal? 

The answer to all the questions is YES. A big yes. I did cried, for days years before my relationship ended. Why? I was in serious doubt, I don't know what I want and what was my feelings toward him. I was scared of losing him because I love the idea of someone to take care of. I love the idea of be with someone that needed my attention, but I forgot about one thing, relationship is a two way street. 

To be honest, everything when down the drain when he started to cheat, not once, twice. I lost count how many times he cheated. Well he claimed that he just want to get to know and didn't declare anything. Bullshit that was my thought. I had to dealt with his mess after he left them. And those girls came to me and said the most disrespectful things to me. They just want to see me suffer. That's all. The saddest part was,I pretend any of that didn't happened at all, I just let it all go. and forgive him. just like that.

Then the abuse came, I was mentally and physically abuse for years, and I kept to myself for 4 years. A few knew because they saw bruises on me. I said it was a one time thing and he stopped. but it didn't. He hit,spit, said outrages things about me, accuse I cheated on him. which I never. whatever he did to me, I never cheated. I was diagnosed with depression and serious anxiety 2 years ago.  I was on therapy because I have anxiety paranoid and can't sleep. every time I close my eyes, I had nightmares about him. I cut myself, the pain was good. At the time. The scars is still here on my arms. When I see my scars, It is a reminder of what he did to me. 

I was on medication since 2013. and I kept it all to myself, I don't want people to assume I was crazy and weird. when people asked why I always went to the hospital, I said it was my back pain. 

I was unstable for two years. towards the end, I prayed and prayed please I want all this to end. I suffered for someone who didn't love and appreciate me. the nightmares became worst and he continue to abused me for all the wrong reasons. He warned me if I said anything to anyone, he'll make sure everyone hate me. 

I was suicidal and honestly I prepared everything. letters to family, friends, him and everything. I arranged everything so it will be easy to them to understand my actions. 

A few close friends said I should stop and leave him, I deserve a better guy that appreciate me and love me. and it was the truth, and I love my friends for the honest truth. 

yes, this writing looked like I blamed everything on him and him alone. well, it is a one sided story. If you want to know his reasons, just asked him. 

Till the end I didn't understand myself, why? Then after a while of deep thinking and seek advice from my family and close friends. I understand now, it was not love. It was because I was afraid and I was loyal and he was my partner who knows everything that is to know about me. he was my soul mate, but we were never meant to be. 

19 august 2015.