#21 Move


To suffer is easy, if the person is worthy, the pain will be worthy. Is it? I put that thought inside my head through out my relationship and I was wrong. Super wrong. The pain was not worthy, AT ALL. 
For the last two years of me trying to move forward, I cried, I laugh, I was sick for the whole year. I can't sleep, I used many kind of distraction to help me. I tried to open myself to . But I can't. it was hard and still is. I find it's hard to move forward not because I still love that person, it's because all the things he done, Made me hate myself and I lost almost everything because of him, my life literally. That's how selfish he was to me. I hate myself for letting him use me that way. The hardest part is, I waited for an apology from him. I know he'll never apologise. and I should never ever expect that from him. He'd never abuse you over and over again if he had the sense of guilt. From the traumatizing experience, i been diagnose with a few disorders, one of it is PTSD. And to be honest, I still trying to fight the battle, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. it haunts me till today. And I don't know how to cope with it. I builded a wall so high, I'm so sure no one could climb over it. I wish no one could climb over it. Because "the other side" is hard to deal with. I myself can't handle the other side of me, thats  why I build a wall around her.    To move on is easy, you just shut everything and pretend that it never happen. But every time I close my eyes, all the bad memories come back to me like a never ending nightmare. Sleep is now a privilege for me. I can't close my eyes without having this fear that my nightmare will come back to me.How do I cope with all the painful experience I had?I just keep moving forward, I use all my strength till this moment, to push myself out of the bubble. My worst bubble. Yes, I laugh hard because I want to forget for a moment that my life is a huge mess and I don't know how to fix it, my head and my heart. 

How can you cope with all the worst feelings you can have at once? I blamed myself for falling to an abusive person, after all he did, I still stayed. I blamed myself for not standing up for myself. I'm so afraid that I will fall in love again and that person is the same type of person that I fall in love before. I'm so afraid to put myself out there because the pain that I suffered since 6 years ago was so excruciating and I prayed so hard that no one near me suffer like I suffer.