#19 Forgiveness

People always asked me. How are you? Are you okay?

Yes logically I am okay. I am fine. I am living my life and everything is on track now. Alhamdulillah 

But I have one more thing that I need to do, and I am struggling to do this one particular thing. 

Forgive. 

Forgiveness is hard. Especially when you lost everything at that time. Forgive yourself and forgive the one that made you suffer. I am trying my best to forgive myself for whatever that happened in the past. I blame myself for not defending my own right and my own life. Literally almost lost my life, and I did nothing. I just cried and cried myself to sleep hoping one day I woke up and that guilty feeling is gone. I feel guilty to myself for not standing on my own right. But I am proud of myself to be able to walk away. 

The painful feeling is hard for people to understand, how I suffer and how I handle the consequences. I don't know how to be strong anymore.

There was a time where I wanna gave up on my dreams. But I know deep I will never, whatever I do, I'll come back to that track. 

I just wanna let things go smoothly but I don't know how. 

And I just wanna know how to forgive myself first.