#14 I Think I am Finally Clean

Okay the title is part of the lyrics of my favorite TayTay song "Clean". well it kinda help me go through my tough times. go listen la. it's a deep and good song.

So many people asked me "So how are you?" "Are you okay?" "So you have someone special now?" 

The answer I gave was "I'm fine" "I'm okay" and "No" 

How I dealt with my break up? I maybe the worst person to ask the question. 

But one thing is for sure everyone can try, is pray. Pray to your own God, talk to Him, I think to Him is the only place where you can be 10000% honest. I always asked why me, I can't handle this, why me? I started to blame and blame the surroundings. everyone and myself. I blame I am the big reason why this happen. I'm not girly enough, not lembut enough to pujuk him when anything happened, my ego was huge, and I don't know how to handle when shit happened and how I blame all the mistakes that happened was cause by me alone, because for me, he was the perfect guy. I forgot that relationship is a two way street. 

The pain was hard, Yes. and it still is. this is my first real real relationship that I really cherish and care for, how we grew and face the world together, I thought it was us against the world at that time. My heart was falling apart and I thought I can't handle the pain so I talked to Him, I said please make all this stop. stop all my feelings, I'm done crying. I'm done.  

As time passed, I try to distract myself, with family and friends, enjoy my time with their company. Distraction also helped but sometimes when I stop doing something, I had some thoughts, you know all the "what if" moments. 

I'm still a human though. I still cry myself to bed sometimes, you know just to clear my mind. Five years and just one more year to go to be married. I was so excited imagining our little family, babies. Me as a mummy. It still hurts to be honest.

But time really healed every wounds I had. I'm not 100% over the relationship, but I moved on. I miss the memories, all of them. It's been six months(I think, well who's counting haha). Now, when I talked about him, I'm not bitter anymore, I tried to talk about the good times. We had that a lot and I'm trying my best to stay positive even though it's hard. 

God had a plan for me. Everything happened for a reason. Maybe He wanted me to be strong and follow my dreams. Although I have no idea what it is yet.